flowrabbitflow

what I packed in the bathtub

The day started and ended peacefully enough, actually. It was only the later in-between that got a little hairy.

When I woke up yesterday morning I knew there was bad weather in the forecast. I had coffee out on the back deck with Ash instead of at the computer, online. I watched him make mud cakes out the kitchen window while I made egg salad for lunch before we got ready for preschool. At the end of an intense and thoughtful yoga practice I sent my energy intention from the practice to the people I bumped last month at the red light who are claiming all sorts of things against my insurance. I sent them healing and happiness. I released them from my worries. I thought about all of this as I was packing the bathtub. And *this* morning, when we woke up safe and whole with our home intact, Ash climbed into the bathtub nest, had a cereal bar and gave us all a little extra snooze.

This is what I packed in the bathtub when I thought the house might get blown away in one of the 200+ tornadoes that touched down, none of which actually came anywhere near us.

A mattress to shield us and towels to make it soft.

pillows

flashlight

wallets, phones, camera, watch.

my Converse, Ash’s boat shoes, Chris’ Merrils.

a change of clothing for each of us.

a headband and 2 hair elastics.

Ash Penguin, Penguin and Horsey. Ash’s Mario LeMieux 500-Goal gold coin.

Space blanket in case we needed something to sleep under for the next several days. It has a pocket for feet which is nice.

A box of cereal bars in case Chris needed something for low sugar, a bottle of water and a baggie of almonds.

Ash himself, Blue Blankie and Pancake I brought to bed with us, ready to grab at a moment’s notice and haul into the bathtub.

And I slept in my Paris necklace.

better today

I spent an hour in the woods by myself today and feel so much better for it. Walked and walked all alone at the Botanical Gardens - something I’ve always kind of wanted to do but was afraid I’d get lost or something. I didn’t. It was lovely. Stopped by the Y and froze membership for the summer first, then took myself to the woods and just walked. I didn’t take my camera so I didn’t get a picture of the multiple little birds - chickadees? - splashing about in the stream. I just watched them and thought about Legion pool opening a month from tomorrow. I purposefully kept my mind away from any of the weightier stuff. And I didn’t overdraw after all. And I sold 3 hoops. I’m going to be ok. Everything is.

weight of the world

I’m feeling it. And it kind of sucks. And it’s kind of annoying too. I’m annoyed with myself. I can’t stop thinking about the possibilities of what may come of the whole insurance fender bender fiasco. I have no control over the outcome but it’s gnawing at me just the same. It doesn’t even have anything to do with me, really, but it’s there, pressing. I think I overdrew the checking account too. I screwed up. I forgot a few receipts. My head is elsewhere. I’m not present. It’s a dumb place to be and I’m really struggling to be out of it. I’m tense and wiggy and irritated with everything. Ash is driving me crazy and he’s not doing anything other than being his little Self. It breaks my heart that I’m so snappy and impatient with him, especially when his bottom lip starts to tremble and his eyes fill up and over flow and he cries “I’m so so so sorry for everything, mama.” I know this too shall pass but it can’t seem to happen soon enough. I really just want to crawl into a hole for a few days. I want to do nothing, see nothing, feel nothing and not be bothered. Tonight, Easter Sunday, both Jesus Christ Superstar and This is Spinal Tap are on and I can’t be bothered to turn on the tv and watch either one. I don’t even want to nibble on my Godiva chocolate rabbit. I don’t have the energy to go downstairs to get myself a glass of wine or take a bath.

The garden is at least positive, although it’s filled with $20 more of plants I should have waited until next month to purchase and plant. sigh.

tending the garden

The actual garden. The literal garden. The patch of crummy grass that will be the glorious garden expansion. If I can’t have an addition by gum, I’ll have row upon row of tomatoes. And sunflowers. And loads of zinnias. And strawberries and blackberries and mint and lemon balm and parsley, rosemary, thyme, cilantro, and lavender. And peppers and jalapenos and yellow squash and zucchini. And lately I’ve been wanting chickens as well. There’s a rooster in the neighborhood and every time I hear him I think about having chickens. But first… the garden. Last year it ended up being a lush riot of awesome. Today it’s a patch of crummy grass I dug up, and only about a third of the way there. Baby steps. We’ll have this garden, by and by.

I might’ve missed this

if I hadn’t been looking for those particular moments the make up the beauty and sweetness of this life. I’m grateful for the people who remind me to take it slowly, to pay attention to the task and the moment at hand and to be confident that we will arrive, however long it takes.

where’d you go, flow?

I lost my voice. Or something like that. I lost something and I haven’t been around in myself so much. My flow took a couple of hits, so minor in the grand scheme of things, and I stopped looking for the sweet moments in my day and consequently stopped noticing them so much. Ash keeps growing and being sweet mostly and four also. He hugged a fireman in full fire-fighting gear at the fire station - my brave big boy. He rode his bike in the Trike-A-Thon and loved every minute of it. He got a badminton set and it dying to play it every day. He graduated Snowplow Sam skating class and is vaulting over Basic I and going straight into Hockey I. Spring has sprung and the trees have flowered and everything here is brillant, bright green. Thunderstorms have been boomingly present in the mornings, a sound I love waking to, especially when I find myself sandwiched between Chris and Ash with Butter purring on my pillow. Chris and I continue to reconnect, although reconnection happens in the least obvious and most surprising places. We’ve lost 15 pounds a several inches between us. We’re becoming positively body and nutrition aware. We’re making subtle changes and that is where our energy has been focused. He is a big part of why I started this blog even if I didn’t know that specifically. I wanted to put down in words how wonderful this life makes me feel and I wanted him to read and to know… but it hasn’t happened like that. I remember when he loved everything I wrote, when he was excited about it. He remembers when I loved staying up late and going to rock shows and performing in bars. So this flow is about following each other into new areas of self awareness and reconnecting there. It’s a work in progress and we’ve got Buffy so that’s completely awesome. And as for this project, I guess it really is just all about me.

all signed up for kindergarten

It’s official. Ash is all signed up and ready to start Kindergarten on August 5th. He’ll ride the bus. There won’t be naps. He’ll be in school from 7:45-2:45 5 days a week. How can he be so grown already when he’s still my sweet baby boy?

[Flash 10 is required to watch video]

I kinda lost a week.

We had sick days that passed unexpectedly well and sweet and sick days that just plain dragged. Ash had this and that and I started a sugar fast. I have been sick and tired and unsure as to whether to blame sugar withdrawal or a crummy virus or more likely than not a combination of both.

Flow is the first to go when I am unwell. Everything stops. People get anxious. Tempers get short. It’s a big, fat, unhelpful drag and there is no rest, not really.

Hockey day today and Cam here for the first time in six weeks and Ash out of his mind excited to see him again. While I finally felt well this morning and well enough to go ice skating, I was so caught up in the bad mood of yesterday’s illness and last week’s stoppage of flow I almost forgot to marvel at how awesome it was to stumble onto a Thrashers practice - to be right there next to the glass watching these behemoths with Ash and Cam and Chris who was the most excited of all.

I almost forgot to notice this evening how great the boys were playing together outside. But I didn’t forget entirely. I opened Ash’s window and sat on his bean bag chair and watched them. And as I sat there my attention wandered to Ash’s cozy corner of a bed, piled high with critters and books about bunnies and flight and Bee Bim Bop, and Pancake and Corner just waiting for him. I listened to them play as I put away laundry and I felt a tilt shift in my brain. I am so much better now.

the American artist

Another sick day at home, and the kid found his art groove and it was a quiet, satisfying inside day. I opened the windows and the back door and we invited the fresh air and the 70-degree sunshine in. He wanted to paint and for the first time ever I let him have complete control of the entire process. I set out the paints and brush and paper and I walked away. I puttered nearby, washing dishes, wiping counters, sweeping floors. I didn’t hover and worry about him making a mess. I didn’t cringe at the paint he was getting on his hands and his pants and his sweatshirt and he hummed along happily for for the better part of the morning, talking to himself and to me, rolling out gems like “I’m the AMERICAN artist” or “you call it painting, mama, but I call it making art.” We set the finished works out on the deck and anchored them with rocks to dry in the sun.

I didn’t intend to stay home today. I was trying really hard to get Ash to school this morning so I wouldn’t miss my chiropractic appointment, but he threw up just as we were leaving. As pukes go, it was a pretty perfect one all things considered. He missed the rug and the upholstered chair and we hadn’t gotten in the car yet. All of the sudden, everything we “needed” to do vanished. He took a very long warm bubble bath and I cleaned and disinfected. The craft-case called and he answered and I let go and let the day unfold. It all worked out.

craft central airport

I have been away from writing on many levels this week. Somewhat sick, no energy to dedicate to anything other than getting to and from the chiropractor (which I LOVE) and wherever I absolutely needed to be. Ash’s cough has been going non-stop and the fever kicked in last night. So today was a down day, a stay at home day, and a total treasure of a day. The weather was glorious and the energy was pretty mellow and sweet. I am rested. I feel well, although I have new and different tweaks and aches, all a part of treatment I reckon. We spent a lot of time outside mid-morning, Ash playing hockey a little but drawing a fleet of DHL trucks in yellow chalk more and I watched him and read my book and thought “my constant companion these last 4 years will be going to kindergarten in 5 months and we won’t ever have this daily hang-out-at-home time again.” He also spent a lot of time inside drawing in his notebook (“privacy, please. I’m drawing.”) and playing airport, which lead to me cleaning out the bookcase in the kitchen to dedicate the space to crafting with an airport on top. The crafty stuff for him is all centralized now instead of strewn and tucked about the house. When he got up from his nap he was raring to go outside again but stopped short in front of his newly organized space and announced “I want to paint.” and promptly created a watercolor school bus. It’s the first time he hasn’t mixed all the colors together to make brown.